Each Drop (Part Two)

I have lived, years without you now;
Water and wind, move fast, move past;
Everything is mutable here,
Abstract or concrete, nothing lasts.

The monsoon winds are strong
And I remember you wet in rain.
You left – them, long ago;
But here they are wetting everything again.

I’m lying in bed,
Thousands of minutes away,
And remaining here,
Think of the gods who cast me away.

I heard a song, that reminded me
Of the way you turned to look at me,
And I cried a bit – maybe more –
Remembering all we used to be.

Now, my darling, I’m not afraid.
There is no fear of living or dying;
Because it’s just a road, taking me
To the place, where you’ll be lying

In wait, with all the rest who went before
To become the value of this life –
Who will profess how well I lived
And vouch for each drop of love and strife.

That’s what it all comes down to:
This journey traversing me and you:
A meeting, a distance and a gate
And all that’s eventually true.

If not, I have, yet, nothing to fear:
There won’t be a calling back…
I’ll give voice to wind and heart to water,
And fade upon the stars dressed in black.

Faith

Faith moves mountains,
They say.

Faith moved me
To be a disbeliever.

Don’t get me wrong.
I wish I could kneel
And look up and say,
I know you have my back;
I could say,
Oh, you know best;
There will be something better,
That there is
A larger plan.

But my children died.
And all I asked was for less suffering.
A little lesser than the last.
Until with the last there was nothing left.

I asked when I believed.
Now I know the blankness.
And the silence.

I’ve seen religion and ritual
Twist me into softness:
Into believing there is law,
There will be justice.
But
There isn’t.
There is silence and sacrifice.

So I choose to turn away
From a fait accompli.

I’m uncertain.
That makes me stronger.
Less kinder.
But if I have given up on
Divinity
Being kind is an anticlimax.

To Zoe

My favourite song for you runs through my mind,

Crying is a given now as I pack away your things,

Medicines by the dozen and your toys,

How much pleasure you had running after those sticks,

How you pulled bamboos twice your size to bring to me,

Every corner of my home reminds me of you,

I wish you would have lived longer in them without pain.

I cannot forget you, Zoe. You are my heart

And it breaks without you.

Crying and breaking is all I can do.

You would stay with me all the time if you could,

If I left the room you would get up and follow,

I taught and you stayed under the table there,

I was on the comp and you would sit and stare,

You wanted to sleep with us but the bed was small,

The floor got too slippery for you to stand,

I had to let you go I understand;

But now you left behind all this agony,

I can’t stop thinking of you, my love,

You made my day, my night, my noon,

Without God I can’t even hope to see you soon.

I wish dogs get a few of my life’s years

They are the ones who lick away tears.